Grey Eminence

“5 More Minutes…”

2009-11-09T04:24:10Z

I spent three and a half hours today fighting the snooze button. It goes off every 7 minutes, so that means I got out of bed, walked across the room, slapped the clock, and went back to sleep (210 ÷ 7 = 30) thirty times before it finally woke me up. I have no memory of any of this.

I hate sleep.

Deep in the Heart of Jersey

2009-11-04T00:25:41Z

I voted… absentee / mail-in, as always. Then I found out that Uncle Floyd is running for governor.

Argh! Now you tell me!

Voicemail Spam

2009-10-29T18:33:20Z

I woke up to five political ads on my cell phone, and the day's not nearly over. At this point, I hope they all lose.

World of Warcraft: Canceled

2009-10-28T01:58:05Z

I still have some time before my account is actually locked out, so does anyone want my stuff? I'm not rich, but I've got a few bars of titansteel and some enchanting materials. (I've got wads of cash on the Horde side, not that anyone plays Horde.)

Farewells to Geocities

2009-10-27T00:44:13Z

Me, Thu 23 Apr 2009: “there will be a noticeable dip in the percent of web pages with silver text on animated starry-sky backgrounds”.

xkcd, Mon 26 Oct 2009: [animated starry-sky background]

xkcd's animated stars steal the show with a subtle bug — the colors don't loop correctly. Watch carefully, and you can see the jump from purple to green.

Halloween

2009-10-21T04:23:53Z

Is anyone planning something for Halloween this year? I haven't heard a thing.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen or heard from a lot of people recently, for holidays or anything else. I have a lot of time on my hands these days, so I'm up for anything, including aimless hanging-out if it means I get to see people.

Bizarro FM

2009-10-19T04:10:42Z

I just heard WMMR play Joe Satriani's “Surfing with the Alien”. My car was going faster before my brain understood why. Since when does pop radio play instrumentals, let alone 1987 Satriani?

Then, to completely break character, they announced what they'd just played. I think it was the first time I've heard a mainstream DJ do that all year.

For the Teachers on My Friends List

2009-09-24T00:37:57Z

This Friday 25 September at 19:00, the NJ Film Festival at Rutgers will be showing two documentaries about education in New Jersey. It costs $10 to see both.

The first is A Place Out of Time: The Bordentown School, about the all-black (including the teachers and administration) vocational boarding school that opened during Reconstruction and was closed in the 1950s, ironically as a result of desegregation. I saw this on Sunday, when the director and producer were available to take questions (they won't be there this Friday), and many graduates of the school were in the audience.

The second, and possibly of more immediate interest to NJ teachers, is The Cartel, an investigation of the New Jersey public school systems, charter schools, and vouchers. The film focuses on aspects of the state system that seem to promote corruption, and on alternatives to the standard “zip code” school. (Don't expect the NJEA to be the good guys in this one.) The film's official website has more detail. The Cartel's producer and director, former TV news reporter Bob Bowden, will be taking questions afterward.

As a bonus, the theater at Scott Hall #123 is on the corner of College Avenue and Hamilton Street in New Brunswick… across the street from the grease trucks. The long, drawn-out death rattle of the human vascular system never tasted so good.

Acronyms & Apostrophes

2009-09-19T20:57:53Z

Not the same thing:

It took the PC's weapons.
It took the PCs' weapons.
It took the PCs days to get their weapons back.

You're welcome.

Obameter

2009-09-12T13:57:53Z

PolitiFact has created the Obameter to track president Obama's progress toward his 516 campaign promises. For readers with less time on their hands, they've isolated his 25 most important campaign promises.

Each rating (kept, in progress, stalled, broken, or compromise) is backed up with detail and sources. As a bonus, they give no credence to anonymous sources, something I wish the mainstream media would do. This is a fantastic way to keep tabs on the change as it happens, or fails to happen.

“We're sorry, you deserved so much better.”

2009-09-11T15:22:15Z

Prime minister Gordon Brown has finally apologized to the ghost of Alan Turing for his treatment at the hands of the British government after World War II. The Father of Computer Science was driven to an early grave for the crime (the actual, on-the-books crime) of being homosexual. This was only 60 years ago.

It amazes me that a country would rather not be home to one of the greatest mathematicians in the world, thank you very much… not if he's gonna be all gay on us.

What stands out most is that all his achievements were judged to weigh less than his sexual preference. Not that a gay man has to earn his keep by proving the halting problem is undecidable, or defining the limits of computation, or saving your country from marauding U-boats… or even all of the above. It's just that, if your country does happen to have someone like that on hand, discarding him because he enjoys the wrong kind of sex is a pretty extraordinary example of “irrational fear”. It hints that Alan Turing was not the one with the mental problem.

Update: It seems that one guy got this ball rolling in his spare time. Wow.

Update! (or: Water Sure Gets Around, Don't It?)

2009-09-04T09:50:02Z

Because I'm stubborn, I started pulling everything out of the bathroom to search yet again for signs of a leak. The tell-tale clue was a spare roll of toilet paper that was suspiciously damp. I found a tiny trickle of water sliding down the back of the toilet seat and into the crack between toilet and floor, from which it was traveling seven feet to empty into my kitchen.

The ultimate source of the leak was the rearmost of the three bolts that hold the tank to the seat. I thought to myself, “That bolt looks loose. I think I'll touch it. What could go wrong?”.

The toilet's reply went something like: “Loose? It was never tight in the first place! The nut has been dangling at the bottom of that bolt since before you moved in. The only thing keeping this throne together for the last five years was gravity. YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE ALMIGHTY FORCE OF GRAVITY!”

And with that, it started dumping the tank water out the half-inch hole where the bolt had been.

For future reference: If you ever have a similar problem, flush the toilet immediately to get the water out of the tank and into the bowl. Then, prevent the tank from refilling by finding the input pipe and closing the cut-off valve, which all newer houses have. If, like me, you live in an old house, the cardboard tube from the roll of paper towels you will have surely gone through by now is exactly the right height to cram under the float arm. Mine lasted the better part of a half-hour, which was enough.

So now everything is back together. I'm arranging paper towels around the scene of the crime, and I'll look for evidence of more leakage in the morning.

So far, there's no visible water damage. If I get out of this with nothing more than a mold assessment and (another) night of no sleep, I'll consider myself lucky.

PS: In pulling the rest of the junk out of my bathroom to complete the mop-up, I discovered that my toilet does have a water cut-off after all. Bah.

Drip… Drip… Drip…

2009-09-04T07:58:49Z

I came home tonight to a soaked kitchen table and floor. The culprit appears to be the ceiling lamp, which is producing more water than is usual for an electrical fixture. The less-immediate cause has to be the bathroom on the second floor, but:

The bathroom is bone dry.
The house had been unoccupied (and the bathroom unused) for about five hours.
The bathroom isn't actually over the leak. No pipes are near the leak, as far as I can tell.

Looks like I'm spending tomorrow with a plumber. Possibly a contractor. And a priest, in case my house has developed stigmata.

Don't mind me, I'm just… uh, watering the bushes.

Who Needs Sleep?

2009-09-02T15:48:50Z

Tree surgeons are hard at work in the next lot. Intermittent chainsaw harmonies with long, warbling solos. It stops long enough to convince me it's over, then it starts again. A symphony of flies.

I guess I'm awake.

World of Warcraft: Anyone Still Playing?

2009-08-29T05:13:50Z

I've spotted Rich, Dom, and Alissa (sp?) on rare occasion, and Matt appears to have Azeroth socketed into his brain, but otherwise I haven't seen anyone I know since around 2008. World of Warcraft as a solo experience lost its shine long ago, but I've stuck with it based on the promise that “level 60 70 80 is a completely different game”.

What I'd like to do, if anyone's still there, is to try exploring some of the dungeons with people I know. That's why I bought Warcraft in the first place… to hang out online with people I wouldn't be seeing in person much any more.

I'm dimly aware that Andy, Kathy, and Tim still play, but at a level I will likely never be prepared for. (Assuming “Adjective Noun Raiding” was them, they had questions in their application that I didn't even understand, let alone have an answer for.) The “Three Rivers Raiding” group looks like they'd take me, but due to the bizarre forum policy, they can't tell me if they're anyone I know or not. <boggle>

So, if anyone still makes a habit of wandering through Warcraft's group areas, where are you and when do you meet? I've got a paladin in the Alliance (protection or retribution) and a rogue on the Horde side (subtlety), and they're equally sick of getting turned away from dungeons because they haven't already done those dungeons.

PS: Is there any “don't miss” single-player content I should check out? I saw the Borean Tundra, Howling Fjord, and most of Dragonblight before I hit level 80 and stopped. The Knights of the Ebon Blade might be fun to work for (not that they'll talk to me), and that troll city looked different, but I'm primarily in Northrend to fight the Lich King. I'm looking for the fun parts, and I'm willing to do a few “kill 12 zombies” or fed-ex quests to get to them. But only a few — Hemmit Nesingwary need not apply.

Someone Get These Bugs Offa Me!

2009-08-21T01:08:24Z

Are we in the middle of a cricket rebellion or something? Suddenly, they're everywhere. One's hiding in my living room right now, chirping madly. I've had to shoo them off (and out of) my car every time I've gone out, and then out of my house every time I've come back in.

Anyone else having this problem?

Stop Messing with the Money!

2009-08-07T05:01:44Z

I've been in Boston all week for training, and thanks to the parking garages, the trains, and buying lunch every day, I've had far more contact with cash than I usually do. The silly cosmetic changes to our coins and bills have accelerated over the past few years, apparently for the sole purpose of making them collectable. I expect we'll soon see bills with embossed foil covers, re-numbered from 1 to reflect their new origin stories.

Between the state quarters, the close-up nickel, the new bills, the new new bills, and Bob knows how many attempts at a dollar coin, I have no idea what my country's currency looks like any more. I got four dollars in change out of a vending machine, and every one of them was different.

I've heard the claim that this was all to prevent counterfeiting, but if so, then the US Mints have only made the problem worse. At this point, I'd accept dead turtles as legal tender, so long as they came out of a MAC machine and had a “20” on them somewhere.

Sleep Is the Enemy

2009-07-31T09:13:47Z

When you're in the middle of shifting to a sleep-at-night schedule for a week out of state, that's the awesomest time for insomnia to start a riverdance on your brain stem. I'm so wired I'm twitching, but so tired the words keep wobbling all over the place.

The day they discover a cure for sleep I will be first in line, and I don't care how many people I have to chew through to get there.

Must Go Faster

2009-07-05T00:25:45Z

If you're like me, you read an awful lot… or at least, you want to. But if you are like me, you also have the attention span of a tumbleweed.

You're probably already flipping through some other tabs by now. I know I am. I have <counts> 63 tabs open, including this one, plus 24 more on the other machine. (And to think I've spent the last hour closing tabs.)

Back on topic: Spreeder is one of the few sites on the Internet worth turning JavaScript back on for. Copy and paste an article into Spreeder, and it plays the text back at a brisk 300 words per minute. The blink-and-you'll-miss-it speed keeps my attention better than any static page could, because I can't risk looking at anything else, even for “just a second”.

As a bonus, it gets the words into my head faster than normal reading.

I suggest these settings:

Three words at a time, to improve continuity.
Left-aligned text, so your eyes don't waste precious milliseconds locking on to the first word.
Advanced: Start new chunk at end of sentences and paragraphs.
Advanced: Slight pause at end of sentences and paragraphs.

Wrathgate, Shmathgate

2009-06-30T06:40:19Z

I accidentally stumbled headlong into World of Warcraft's (in)famous “Wrathgate” storyline last night. Blizzard's plot might motivate the humans, orcs, and other characters, but it doesn't play so well to an undead alchemist who introduces himself as an “apothecary”.

It also didn't handle my stubborn insistence of discovering the Wrong Way to do everything in this game, but no one could plan for that…

Me: Lord Saurfang, Apothecary Manesium reporting for duty. … You're a brown orc?

Saurfang the Younger: My parents were legit, rogue.

Me: Sorry I mentioned it. Anyway, you asked for me?

Saurfang: As a matter of fact, I did.

Me: Can it wait for morning? I was just heading to bed—

Saurfang: Don't go anywhere! I have this five-minute movie to show you.

Me: What? Wait! Dammit.

<shimmer effect>

Bolvar Fordragon: Alliance, we attack Wrathgate now! Rah!

Me: Why am I with the Alliance all of a sudden?

Bolvar: Shhh! You're breaking the fourth wall.

Me: But…

Bolvar: It's called third person omniscient. I'll tell you all about it after I get myself killed.

Me: Go nuts.

Bolvar: Back to the fight… Alliance, charge!

Saurfang: Horde, charge!

Bolvar: Glad to have you with us, Son of Saurfang… Er, didn't he have green skin?

Saurfang: My parents were legit!

Bolvar: Whoah! Sorry! Sorry! It's just… never mind.

Saurfang: <glare>

Bolvar: Anyway, I'll draw out the Lich King, and you come running up and kick him.

Saurfang: Plan.

Bolvar: Arthas! In the name of your father, and of all the innocents you've slain, you… are a dweebie.

Lich King Arthas: “Dweebie?” WHY YOU!!! <comes running out>

Saurfang: You fell for that?

Arthas: Wasn't your father green?

Saurfang: MY PARENTS WERE LEGIT! <attacks the Lich King and dies>

Bolvar: I never really liked him.

Grand Apothecary Putress: <appears on the ridge with catapults and an assload of WMD> Now I will kill you all! For I am evil!

Me: Yay evil!

Putress: Who the heck are you?

Me: I'm like your biggest fan! Can I have your autograph?

Putress: Not now.

Me: Are you hiring?

Putress: You're messing up my entrance.

Me: I'll work part time until you're sure you want me.

Putress: Jesus kid, some other time.

Me: Can I at least intern?

Bolvar: Hello? You're supposed to be killing us? It's my big scene.

Putress: Oh yeah. Boys, gas 'em. <catapults throw cannisters of green goo all over the armies below>

Arthas: Whoah, lookit the time! Smoke break's over. <goes back inside>

Putress: Guess I'll head back home now. Clearly nothing could interrupt my flawless evil plan at this point.

Me: Yay evil!

Bolvar: At last, my dying monologue! I've been waiting two expansions for this moment. Ahem: “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe… Attack ships on fire off the coast of Ratchet. I've watched twink enchantments glitter in the dark near the Warsong Lumber Mill. All those moments—”

Alexstrasza the Life-Binder: BOOM! From outta nowhere, it's the red dragonflight! <starts roasting everyone, including the apothecaries and their catapults>

Me: No wait! Those are my guys!

Alexstrasza: Alexstrasza comes in the NIIIIIIIGGHT!!! <burninates the countryside>

Me: Couldn't you have at least taken out the Lich King while you were at it? And to think I've defended your temple against the blue dragons like eighty zillion times.

Alexstrasza: Sorry, it was in the script.

Me: Alexstrasza, we've had some great times together, and it's been really fun for both of us, but I have to stab you now.

Alexstrasza: Can't. See my name? It's in green. So nyah.

Me: We'll see about that. I'll just open up my reputation manager and click this little “At War” box…

Alexstrasza: The developers thought of that.

Me: Greyed out? Dammit!

Alexstrasza: Neener neener neener.

Me: <glares>

Alexstrasza: Are you gonna accept my quest or what?

Me: If I must.

Alexstrasza: I want you to take Saurfang the Younger's armor back to his father. Tell him that the Royal Apothecary Society are bad, bad men.

Me: OK, hand it over.

Alexstrasza: Where's the fun in that? You'll have to find it yourself. It's a bit of black twisted metal on top of an orc-shaped pile of black ash, somewhere in this blackened plain of scorched earth.

Me: Bitch.

Alexstrasza: What?

Me: You heard.

<20 minutes of searching later>
Me: Finally!

Alexstrasza: That wasn't so bad, now was it?

Me: Not so bad? I had to search the web for screenshots until I could triangulate exactly which pixel was going to light up when I moused over it.

Alexstrasza: Well you're done now, so you'd best get on with these Wrathgate quests. You wouldn't want them bugging up everything else you try, now would you?

<One flight back to the orc fortress and much grumbling later…>

Me: Overlord Saurfang!

Overlord Saurfang the Elder: Report, undead.

Me: You are green. I thought so.

Saurfang: What?

Me: Never mind. Sir, I bring tragic news.

Saurfang: Not… my son?

Me: Yes, it appears the Red Dragonflight burned him to death just as he was about to strike down the Lich King once and for all.

Saurfang: Putress will pay for this.

Me: I didn't even mention him.

Saurfang: And his Royal Apothecary Society will be slain to the last man.

Me: <quickly hiding “WWTRASD” bracelet> No, really, it was the red dragons! Just look at the scorch marks on this armor.

Saurfang: And you will kill them for me.

Me: Dragons, man. Seriously.

Saurfang: Report to Warchief Thrall so that we may destroy this pharmacological menace once and for all.

Me: You're not even listening, are you?

<Several Wrathgate missions later…>

Warchief Thrall: We shall now reconquer the Undercity from the vile usurpers Grand Apothecary Putress and his demon conspirator Varimathras.

Me: I heard it was dragons.

Queen Sylvanas: Give it up, rogue, I was there.

Me: Drat.

Thrall: For the Horde!

<…>

Me: So, anyone gonna, like, move or anything?

Thrall: The Horde!

Me: I guess that's my queue.

Thrall: Horde!

Me: OK, then. Ahem: For the Horde! I shall go reconquer the Undercity! I will slay the wicked Putress, and the infernal Varimathras. And any red dragons I find.

Sylvanas: Knock it off!

Me: OK, I'm going, I'm going!

<sneaks through courtyard and crypt to the elevator shaft>

Me: Oh noes, the elevator is out! However shall I get down this big empty hole? Oh yeah, I'm a rogue… I laugh at falling damage. <jumps>

<splut!>

Me: Punji stakes at the bottom, however… <expires>

<One hike back from the cemetery later…>

Me: Tremble in fear, vile betrayers, for I have come to reclaim this city in the name of Queen Sylvanas! … Anyone home?

<10 minutes later>

Me: Yoo hoo! Bad guys! I'm right here! Come get me!

<20 minutes later>

Me: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…

<30 minutes later>

Me: If only I'd brought a crown, I could have declared myself king by now.

As you WoW veterans might have guessed having played through this, or just knowing of my luck with “big battle” missions, I went and broke the quest. The Horde outside had been waiting for a designated mission start time, and my sneaking in early completely messed it up.

In my defense, when you send a rogue to assassinate someone, what do you expect him to do?

“Look at this stuff! Why are the Forsaken so evil?”

2009-06-26T03:40:35Z

I would never have stayed with World of Warcraft so long if not for the Horde, especially the unapologetically evil Forsaken Undead. For starters, they heal by eating your brains. Just for starters.

Manesium: Check it out kids, your mom tastes like chicken!

Manesium: Sorry… collecting wolvar pups again.

Healiedan: haha

Manesium: It's good to know that if this Horde thing ever goes south, I'll have a fine career in baby-napping ahead of me.

Healiedan: Or poaching, as the case may be.

Manesium: Yeah, yeah, “protecting the future of the wolvar race”. I guarantee you these walrus dudes have the kids roasting on a spit five minutes after I leave.

Timchanter: Yet you still do it.

Healiedan: “Well you see… I really need the rep for my new fishing pole.”

Manesium: I tell you, if they don't offer me at least a bite of those kids next time out, there's going to be trouble. Not saying, you know. Just saying.

Manesium: Trouble.

Healiedan: “So pups, say goodbye to mommy, and rub yourselves down with this sea salt. Don't worry about it… it makes your coat shiny.”

Manesium: Yeah, exactly that.

Timchanter: Plus all natural sea salt is much better than regular salt.

Manesium: I hear refined deeprock salt really brings the flavor out. Not that I'd know or anything. <covers suspicious-looking bones with a nearby napkin>

Timchanter: If [Cannibalize] is wrong I don't want to be right!

Healiedan: haha

Manesium: Tell me, when these walruses start whining about how hard it was to come by their stuff, do you find yourself wondering what their tusks would fetch on the black market? Because I sure do.

Healiedan: LOL

Why are we so evil? Because bad guys have all the fun.

PS: King Varian Wrynn doesn't have pockets. What a rip-off.

Worst Plotlines Ever (RPGs)

2009-06-21T07:38:46Z

I wrote this in an RPG.net forum thread about plots you hate to encounter as players. I'm re-posting it here, because I think grousing brings out the best in me.

The worst plots for me always have an underlying sense of “Continuity? Setting? Rules? Bah! Mere trivialities to a Master Storyteller such as myself. You want story? I've got more story than you can handle!” Examples that keep recurring:

The “Like a Geas, Only It Sucks More” Trifecta

A plague is tearing through the countryside. It is mysteriously immune to “cure disease” spells, potions, prayers, and the numerous other means your fantasy society uses to handle this sort of problem three times before lunch. Only a Quest for three particular Ancient and Powerful Artifacts (which no one has so much as heard of before today) can Undo the Evil of this Dread Pestilence. A sage said it, so it must be true.
A Buried Tomb of Ancient and Terrible Evil has somehow resurfaced. It's stone doors can not be opened with “rock to mud” spells, acid, lock picks, or the numerous other means your fantasy society uses to handle this sort of problem before lunch. Only a Quest for the Rod of Entendres and the Babbling Bauble of Barf, which no one has blah, blah, blah. A sage said so.
The King has been Laid Low by an Assassin's Terrible Poison, which is mysteriously immune to “stay the poison” spells, yadda, yadda, yadda, sage.

“But First, You Must Prove Yourself”

The world is Doomed! Only this one band of Noble Heroes can Quest for the Ancient… Jesus H. Christ, sage already! …until at last, the party reaches the saint, ancient oak, dragon, or god who alone has the power to prevent the end of the world, and it can't be fucking bothered. But if the PCs solve a crossword puzzle, fold its laundry, and herd sheep across a chessboard trap, it will realize that the world is Worth Saving After All, and the PCs may finally get their experience points.

It's Not Absurdity — It's Backstory!

A polar bear walked ten miles south, ten miles east, and ten miles north, where it came to a bridge. There it met a sage's evil twin trying to cross with a cabbage, a goat that always told the truth, and a wolf that always lied about where they buried the survivors. At the far end of the bridge was a finely-balanced scale, which could only be used three times eight queens placed on a chessboard so that none were threatening the arch-lich, who was at that moment engaged in a titanic ritual to determine which of the nine coins was a counterfeit. After the maid, who as fate would have it received a mis-addressed letter for the butterfly, took off from the train traveling west at 80 miles per hour to return to the spot where it started, the general, being hard of hearing, realized that he couldn't be hanged at noon on the seventh day, because manhole covers are round.

And that is why you, the PCs, are the only ship in the sector. Only you can tell us if the light is on or off.

Birthday Post

2009-06-20T00:37:29Z

Happy birthday to ceruleanst, who must be… oh gosh, real old now.

Curmudgeon Moment

2009-06-12T04:02:48Z

I miss the good old days of DVDs. I'd forgotten how good we used to have it until just now, when I popped in an ancient disc and the movie started playing.

I put in the disc. The movie started playing.

I can't remember the last time that happened. No commercials; no menus; no logos, trademarks, or transitions; no fucking FBI warning. I sat down and was allowed to watch the movie I paid for without having to earn it.

This particular DVD was legit, but if I wanted something of its quality today, I suspect I'd have to find a bootleg.

Wisdom of the Renaissance

2009-06-10T18:36:58Z

The Book of the Courtier (1528) has this to say about World of Warcraft:

It is certainly a pleasing and ingenious amusement, but it seems to me to have one defect, which is that it is possible to have too much knowledge of it, so that whoever would excel in the game must give a great deal of time to it … and as much study as if he would learn some noble science or perform well anything of importance. And yet in the end, for all his pains, he knows only how to play a game.

Thus, I think a very unusual thing happens in this: namely, that mediocrity is more to be praised than excellence.

Duke Federico of Montefeltro (attributed)

The duke was actually talking about chess, but that's not the game that sprang to mind. (Yes, what he said is true of everything I do for fun, but I'll try not to think about that.)