Kevin J. Chase (thegreyeminence) wrote,
Kevin J. Chase

Gnome Mercy

It seems my house is infested with UnderPants Gnomes. Every laundry day, a new hole appears in at least one pair of long pants. This weekend cost me one of my few good pairs, or as I used to call them, “My Other Nice Pants”. On the bright side, my remaining good pair no longer needs a qualifier.

What's eerie is that every hole is in exactly the same place, about an inch below the right-hand back pocket. I don't keep anything sharp back there, and I've tested my car seat, my couches, and everything else I usually sit on for upholstery staples or other possible culprits. (I used the traditional method of finding unknown sharp objects: jamming my hand in and fishing around until I got bored or injured.)

It's possible that the washing machine or dryer are responsible, but to tear a half-dozen holes in exactly the same place… well with luck like that, I should short the entire stock market. Having eliminated the impossible, what remains — however improbable — must be true.


My course of action is clear:

  1. All pants that do not have jagged holes in them — previously referred to as “The Survivors” — will be rechristened “Nice Pants”. I am forbidding them to leave the house except on special occasions, and even then only if escorted by at least two pairs of shorts.

  2. The former nice pants are hereby promoted to “Level 80 Elite Pants”… or perhaps “Command Master Chief Trousers”. We're still negotiating. My pants are holding out for a noble title and a crown, but I draw the line at anything more than non-hereditary peerage and embroidery.

  3. A brave pair of newly-promoted Nice Pants will be volunteered for a decoy mission to draw out the UnderPants Gnomes. This mission will involve the Pants, the Gnomes, twenty meters of double-sided tape, and a swarm of gnomivorous lobsters.

    Their Majesties the Remaining Pants, Respendant in Their Integrity, suggested motion sensors and death rays, but for me it's just one of those things… A proper trap uses lobsters.

I am not at this time officially contemplating filling the cadaver of a slain pair with lobsters, patching it to look like one of the few remaining Nice Pants, and leaving it in the dryer for the next Gnome strike… but the idea has crossed my mind.

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