Kevin J. Chase (thegreyeminence) wrote,
Kevin J. Chase

The “Waist-Away” Diet Plan

It seems I picked up a cold at the holiday party last weekend. No, not on the 18th… on the 11th. Life has short-changed me a week this December. Anyone have a spare?

Back in college when I worked for an ambulance service, my immune system occasionally got bored crushing hapless microbes, so it would stalk the neighborhood while I slept and murder common household pests. But now, apparently-healthy people can infect me with the Sumerian Death Flu from polite conversational distance.

On the bright side, the Sumerian Death has more than made up for any weight I gained over the holidays. Unfortunately, this weight loss took the form of blowing my own brains into a kleenex every morning. (There's certainly no way that much gunk could have fit in my sinuses alone.) I coughed a few additional organs into the bathroom sink, but I didn't take the time to identify them.

Concerned by these developments, I turned to the foremost medical authorities of our age — WebMD and eMedicine — and searched for my symptoms:

  1. Cessation of useful life functions.
  2. Brain expelled through nose.
  3. Most abdominal organs missing.

Based on this perfectly accurate description of my condition, they recommended the following cure:

  1. Dehydrate soft tissues with natron salts.
  2. Rinse chest cavity with palm wine, frankincense, and myrrh.
  3. Rub exterior with cedar and lotus oils.
  4. Bandage with linen.
  5. Store horizontally in a dry, dark place.

I'm feeling better already, mostly due to a huge head start on that last step.

There is one lasting side effect of this cure: I will lay a dread curse upon anyone I catch rummaging through my books, computers, or other personal effects… but I already did that anyway.

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